Forgiveness After Abuse: Choosing a Path to Healing

As a survivor of trauma, I have come to understand that forgiveness is a deeply personal journey. My own path to healing involved a choice that empowered me: to move forward instead of dwelling on the past. Many often ask if they are obligated to forgive their abusers, whether it be a partner, a family member, or another person who has caused harm. The answer, in my experience, is that no one is obligated to do anything they are not ready or willing to do. Forgiveness, in its essence, is about healing oneself.

Forgiveness as a Personal Decision

I can only speak from my own experience. After navigating through a myriad of toxic relationships and traumatic encounters, I chose not to dwell on the anger and hatred that consumed my heart. I made a conscious decision to prioritize my well-being over the satisfaction of vengeance. This journey involved letting go of my abusers and focusing on myself, which ultimately led to a life free from abuse for over two decades.

Forgiveness means different things to different people. For some, it signifies accepting what happened as an inevitable part of life and moving on. For others, it is about regaining control and power, not only over your life but also over your emotions. It is important to remember that forgiveness does not equate to giving up on justice or seeking revenge. Instead, it is about finding a way to heal and live a fulfilling life without the burden of resentment.

Choosing a Future Over the Past

The key to moving forward is to consistently focus on the present and the future. This means staying engaged with activities that bring joy and fulfillment. Engage in hobbies, work on projects, and build new relationships that enrich your life. Reflecting on past hurts only prolongs the pain, so focus on what you can control and what brings you happiness. Dwelling on the pain is not a productive use of your time or energy.

Once the initial shock and trauma have passed, rumination often follows. It is essential to let these thoughts go as soon as possible. Avoid talking about the past, giving in to the urge to check in, or even thinking about the situation. The reality is that dwelling on past abuse, no matter how bad it was, does not bring back what was lost. Instead, it drains your energy and keeps you stuck in a cycle of negativity. The goal is to stop these thoughts and move forward.

Steps Towards Healing

Here are a few steps that can help you on your journey to healing and moving on:

Focus on Yourself: Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion you would offer a friend. Engage in activities that nourish your soul and mind. Stay Busy: Keep yourself occupied with projects, work, hobbies, or school. This helps in distracting your mind from the pain and trauma. Refuse to Think About It: When the urge to ruminate arises, actively push these thoughts aside. It might be challenging, but over time it becomes easier. Imagine cutting away the hurt as if it were a black tar, detaching it from your life. Move On: As the initial hurt dissipates, start living in the present. Five years in the future, the pain will seem like a distant memory, almost laughable.

Remember, you are responsible for your own healing, not the one who caused the harm. By focusing on yourself and your well-being, you can find the strength and power to move forward and build a happy, fulfilling life.